Chapter II: The long road back

I was just thinking again about how terrible I used to feel just a few months back- about 5 months ago. I had fallen out of love with my job. I wanted a break but was uncertain as to what to actually do. I was still in recovery from my last psychotic episode so my brain chemistry was still very much all over the place. I was moody. I was hanging on in quiet desperation. The future looked bleak and I had no optimism, no will to function in society. I was in the state of mind of vairagya like an ascetic. Looking back I quite clearly had anhedonia (a pathological inability to experience pleasure). The difference between now and then is night and day. Part of it is medication (atomoxetine), part of it is that my life circumstances have changed- I was fired from my job, spent 2 months doing absolutely nothing- went through what felt like a meaningless existence, relocated to my hometown, started applying to jobs again with some sense of purpose and hope, landed a job which I’m starting this week, bought a house- in short it has been a roller coaster. This has been a heck of a year so far. And that’s an understatement. Now I feel a lot of gratitude for what was and what is now. I’m thankful to whatever cosmic forces that were at play and more importantly to my parents who’ve supported me through all this. Life was shit, meaningless and now life has colour and purpose again.

That was my desert phase. I’m through it and on the other side now. And I write this as a reminder to my future self to look back and remember that always, no matter what- to be grateful and to take pleasure in the small joys of life because it can get very dark. A boring, uneventful life is a much under appreciated good life. And to never take the good things for granted again.

At this moment, I'm reminded very much of a couple of songs.

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